+ TRANSCRIPT

[00:00]

LAURA HUBERT: Hi! I’m Laura Hubert. Mezzrows. Now it’s called The Mezz and it used to be called Burnettes. When I first started coming here, I was playing with my band Elizbet Trio back in the olden days.

[00:14]

PATTI BLOUIN: Hi, I’m Patti. I am a big fan of the old Mezzrows here. I was actually a patron back when it was Burnettes. We used to called it burnouts.

[00:25]

DANIEL DUKE: My name is Dan Duke. I’m a long time seven year regular, two year bartender, here at the Mezz

[00:31]

SHERRY MCLAUGHLIN: My name is Sherry McLaughlin. I’ve been coming to Mezzrows for almost 20 years.

[00:39]

BROOKE MURRAY: My name is Brooke Murray. I’m a cook and I’ve been coming to The Mezz for 13 and a half years.

[00:54]

JENNIFER STOBART: When I first started coming to Mezz it was about 20 years ago and I had just moved into the neighbourhood and I didn’t know anybody. Toronto’s a pretty difficult place for a single human being who is over the age of 30 to actually find community and I was finishing writing a book at the time and I came into Mezz and I had several books that I was writing. One which was the book I was writing and then other things that I was writing. And nobody looked at me sideways and the bartender just kept coming over every time my beer was almost finished and asking me and remembered my name which I thought was kind of really quite amazing. And I started looking around, I guess the fourth or fifth day that I was in, and I recognized that everybody in the place had a special connection to everybody else.

[01:41]

DANIEL DUKE: 90 percent of people that walk through this door I already know. Half of them I’ve been to their house or I have their phone number, right? These are pals. I’ve got a pretty sweet gig in that I get paid to hang out with my friends. I don’t know, really, if many other people in life can do that.

[02:04]

BROOKE MURRAY: I think a lot of people assume that people that are regulars at bars are just like a Charles Bukowski booze bag, but it’s different than that, you know? It really is sort of like in some small communities like the legion would be.

[02:20]

LAURA HUBERT: You know what I love about The Mezz? It’s like a clubhouse. It’s like a resource centre. If you break your ankle, you can find some crutches. If you need to play golf, there’s some golf clubs hanging around. If you need a plumber, you’re going to find one. Actually, one of the first times I came here, I was in desperate need of a plumber. It was like a burst pipe and I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t find the water shut off and I was in a panic and I ran down the ally way and I found plumbers sitting at the bar. And for a case of Heineken that I had to carry home with me from the beer store that used to be on Brock Street, I got plumbers to fix my issue.

[02:58]

JENNIFER STOBART: Years ago when we’d all go out, one of the things that we always did was say, “Oh. I’m going over here. I’m going over here. I’m going to be out till. I’m going to be out till.” And at last call, everybody would reconvene at Mezz to let you know that you all got back to the neighbourhood. It used to drive the bartenders crazy because we’d phone in our last calls and everybody would show up going, “Here’s my last call! Here’s my last call!” The bartenders were not necessarily thrilled with it but they always accepted you and it was always a measure of, “I got home safely. I’m back in the hood.” And, you know, that crazy ass feeling... Especially when you’re a single woman alone in the city and you live by yourself and you realize that you could spend several days without anybody noticing that you’re not around.

[03:41]

SHERRY MCLAUGHLIN: I think we all have a love-hate relationship with it in a sense. Because, you know, everybody knows your name and not only your name but where you go, what you do, you know? In the beginning, that was hard for me. Letting people in knowing that people were wanting to know more and more about you but I think that’s what makes it a place that we care about people. Not just when they’re here. We ask about each other when we’re not.

[04:14]

PATTI BLOUIN: I feel safe here. I’ve never, never felt intimidated by being here. I know there’s lots of people to back me up. I know there’s always someone to walk me home. I know there’s someone who could lend me 10 bucks so I could get home. That’s really important, I think. For a woman. It’s the first bar I’ve ever come to where I was alone, you know? I can come in here any time alone and not feel threatened or weird or like I’m a piece of meat or something like that.

[04:45]

JENNIFER STOBART: I remember one of the first times I came in here and I wasn’t writing. I was just sitting and this guy came over and talked to me and I’m very socially awkward and I’m not necessarily one of those people that wants company when I’m sitting by myself and it was very weird. That bartender who was working remembered my name. It was Keith at the time.

PATTI BLOUIN: I’m surprised!

JENNIFER STOBART: I’m surprised! I wasn’t really cognizant of this guy making me uncomfortable but the guy got up and went to the washroom and Keith walked over and said to me, “Should he be sitting here at this table with you?” And I froze in terror and didn’t know what to say and Keith just very gently lifted the guy’s beer back up, put it back at the bar, walked up and met him on his way out of the bathroom and said, “Hey, buddy. I think you were sitting over here.” And I kind of recognized at that moment that this place was about taking care of people when they weren’t giving off signals that they needed help.

[05:35]

BROOKE MURRAY: You know, if something happened to somebody or something goes wrong in their family or there’s a crisis somewhere, it’s amazing to see how everybody bands around and really does, you know, come together in a sort of a phone tree or emails or someone’s sick and that kind of a thing. It really is a cohesive group of people that basically… Am I allowed to swear?... Give a shit.

[06:09]

SHERRY MCLAUGHLIN: I’ve had the people at this bar pay for me for a trip home because I hadn’t seen my mom in six years. I mean, I didn’t ask. I didn’t have to. You know? I just happened to mention it to someone and they went and got together and got donations. I think I was here one day and somebody presented me with a card and… I can’t remember what excuse they gave to give me the card but they gave me this card and I opened it up and of course I burst into tears because it’s a trip to Victoria. I remember saying to someone, “Why did they do this? I can’t take this. This is too much!” And I was told I was loved and respected and we do this for our friends.

[07:12]

JENNIFER STOBART: I was in England. I was in London, England at Josh Durays who also used to be a regular here, when I found out through her that Mezzrows was closing and she and I actually had a wake. We felt like we had lost a friend and the feeling of loss, of lack of centre, lack of place.

[07:32]

DANIEL DUKE: It was a time of great uncertainty and at first we weren’t really sure. A few of the other bars in the neighbourhood who didn’t open during the afternoons, did. And we called them the Mezzugee’s. We called them the Mezzraelites. They all found somewhere else.

[07:53]

JENNIFER STOBART: Frank, who owns a Miko’s, actually did one of the coolest things when he found out that Sean had purchased Mezzrows and was going to reopen it. He hired the daytime bartender Mary for the summer and opened his hours early so that all the Mezzites would have their bartender and a place to go until Mezz opened up again and then as soon as they did, he shut his hours back down to normal, let Mary come back over here… So, I mean, not only did the neighbourhood take care of one of our favourite servers who would have been really in trouble but it’s… Again, that recognition by Frank that this place is a place that needs to be and that people need a place to go.

[08:36]

BROOKE MURRAY: Parkdale is a very special place and everybody’s very loyal to all aspects of the people who live here and I think Mezz reflects that and has since I’ve come here. It’s important for the neighbourhood itself because they’re becoming few and far between in Toronto, I think. Gentrification is real. I mean, people need to make money and everything like that but I think we’re all really fighting to keep our neighbourhood the way it is.

[09:08]

JENNIFER STOBART: When I’m on the road, if it’s been a long time, the one thing I miss is that ability to just walk out of my house, walk down the street, walk into Mezzrows, order a drink and find a conversation.

[09:20]

DANIEL DUKE: There’s always going to be somebody there that I know and want to talk to.

[09:25]

LAURA HUBERT: I remember one time we hung out here when there was no heat in the winter for like six months. We just brought our parkas and sat inside. It just stayed open because we kept coming to see each other. It is a place of solace at the end of the day.

[09:45]

ALEX CHOUINARD (AS INTERVIEWER): I was going to ask if you could describe Mezzrows for somebody who’s listening and what it’s like to walk through the door.

BROOK MURRAY: Oh. That’s a tough one. Part of me wants to say, “Get out of my bar!” (Laughs).

[10:03]

ALEX CHOUINARD: You’ve been listening to The Regulars created by me, Alex Chouinard. This piece is a part of Fixt Point Arts and Media’s Points of Empathy project made possible by Canada Service Corp. Special thank you to The Mezz and its generous regulars. Laura Hubert, Patti Blouin, Dan Duke, Sherry McLaughlin, Brooke Murray and Jen Stobart.

+ TRANSCRIPT

[00:09]

ZYMBUL FKARA: Where I fit in all of that? You know… (Laughs) I’m still figuring that out. I think that I’m definitely a force. (Laughs). And I don’t think anybody really performs like me. There are a lot of great performers and I’m learning from a bunch of them in Toronto.

[00:28]

MELISSA HAUGHTON: Toronto is a city in transition and changes are never without their growing pains. It feels like for every condo that goes up, an arts venue closes down. I’ve grown up around the arts my whole life and growing pains aside, for me this city is home and home never feels complete without art. So I decided to ask my artistically inclined friends, strangers and my cousin who you just heard, singer R. Flex, where they find home in Toronto and how they make space for their art and for themselves in a city that kind of feels like it’s growing and shrinking at the same time.

[01:08]

JAMES YEBOAH: People will say Toronto has this screw face… This dreaded screw face mentality. I actually just think we just have this collective social anxiety. We all know each other but we are too scared to actually want to ask, kind of situation.

[01:24]

STEPHANIE HYNES: Artists in general are always fighting with, like, “Do I belong here? Am I supposed to be doing this?”

[01:29]

JASLYN MARSHALL: Like, yeah, it’s just a thing in Toronto. I remember hearing people used to call Toronto “Screw Face Toronto” because people didn’t really want to support each other or didn’t really want to show that they want to be around each other.

[01:39]

JAMES YEBOAH: A lot of people in Toronto, when you see them, you see them often because of how small the city is but there is really no interaction. It’s kind of just like, “Oh! I know this person. I follow them on Instagram.”

[01:51]

TREVOR TWELLS: Yeah. I didn’t talk to anyone. It was my first time exhibiting and I was nervous as hell and I remember even John was like, “Yo! Do you want to say some words?” I was like, “Damn. Uh… Thanks for coming.” (Laughs). Yeah! That was pretty much it and I didn’t say anything or I had people saying like, “Hey. This person wants to talk to you.” Or whatever. And they’d be like, “Oh. Good job.” And I’d be like, “Oh! Thank you!” And I’d just kind of walk away.

[02:23]

STEPHANIE HYNES: And a friend… Actually, last week we had a laugh because she had gone to a gallery opening for a contemporary artist. It was in a boujee part of Toronto in Yorkville and so she walked in and there was a lot of young women wearing Chanelle and she made a joke to me that she walked in with her Forever 21 shorts and her Forever 21 blazer so we had a good laugh about that because she felt that she felt really, really out of place. That she didn’t belong because there was all these boujee art people wearing high end designers and they had money to spend on this art and she just simply went in because she was a fan of art.

[03:01]

STEPHANIE SAWAH: I think this is a city that prioritizes a certain kind of person and it’s increasingly prioritizing a certain kind of person and if you don’t fit what the institutions in this city deem you as that certain kind of person, you don’t get to reap the benefits of going out. You don’t get to reap the benefits of having stable housing. Having food security. You don’t even get the benefits of having recreation. Like, going out to party if you want to let loose because you had a tough week trying to grind. I really believe in the fact that I have stability in my life and I want to create those spaces that I so genuinely crave and that people who also exist on the margins so genuinely crave.

[03:54]

TREVOR TWELLS: I broke my leg and my leg kept breaking so I had to get a tibial osteotomy. It’s one of the most painful things you can get with your leg. So I was out for six months and also, like, they drug you up so much. For some reason, things were just clicking better and when I was on the mend, I created this thing called a TTC pop culture project. I took TTC stations and made them into pop culture icons and that got on Blog TO and they called me an artist and I was like, “Oh. Okay.” I didn’t have a community around that time. I think after I started mending and I started recovering, it was definitely a Toronto arts community that helped me a lot, right? I made a lot of connections with them. A lot of people that I still talk to today.

[04:32]

JAMES YEBOAH: I’ve kind of developed a connection between my work as to where my work kind of takes up a life of its own and teaches me different things.

[04:40]

STEPHANIE HYNES: When you walk into the art gallery, there’s so many emotions that are coming out of the paintings that you could walk in and be happy and then you’re staring at a painting and it brings sadness to you. So you really don’t know what you’re going to feel.

[04:53]

KEELIA STUART: Everyone in the room goes to a certain place and has pushed themselves emotionally, physically, mentally, to a certain point and we’ve all been there together. There’s a very deep connection that is made in that moment and we’re all experiencing something outside of ourselves but together.

[05:13]

STEPHANIE SAWAH: This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot of recently as I start to learn how to DJ and I start to think about how to throw my own parties. How certain kinds of music have enabled people to come together. Especially in this city. So, I think historically, house music having origins in disco… There are a lot of people of colour DJs in the 80’s and 90’s who are kind of fostering this party culture where there are these legendary clubs that had a cult following. They weren’t super big but you can definitely guarantee it would be packed on a Friday or Saturday night because the DJs were so incredible and had such a great ear for song selection and great mixing style. I’m particularly thinking of places like Chicago and Detroit and New York City where a lot of these DJs are often people of colour. I’m thinking of Larry Levan who was this legendary DJ who had this club called Paradise Garage in New York City. He’s since passed away, unfortunately, but he had such a huge cult following that people referred to nights at Paradise Garage as “Saturday mass.”

[06:31]

SHEILA MACDOUGALL: And that was my first foray into that understanding about how music brings people together.

[06:37]

JAMES YEBOAH: At one point we went to the Red Bull Music Academy. The 481 projects? We went there and then I was talking about, “Hey. It’s so cool how went to the Samiam with the friend who came with me.” And somebody who was at several of the other parties that I had gone to would be like, “Oh! Dope! You were at Samiam? I was at Samiam.” And we started talking about all the concerts that we’d gone to and we had gone to the same shows and that was a really huge connection from there on out.

[07:02]

ZYMBUL FKARA: And I think we were able to just peel back a bunch of layers that would otherwise maybe get in the way but that musical connection… I think music is one of the ways that, especially black folk, get to really connect because it’s a spiritual thing that goes beyond language.

[07:18]

SELINA MENDEZ: At that time especially, it was very much en Vogue to, like, make little puns or jokes based on lyrics. And I was like, “Hahaha! I don’t understand what lyrics you’re talking about. I don’t know what this is from but sure! That sounds cool.”

MELISSA HAUGHTON (AS INTERVIEWER): Like, “Real G’s move in silence. Like, lasagna.”

SELINA MENDEZ: Like, I literally don’t know what that’s about. (Laughs). What is that? What song is that?

[07:41]

STEPHANIE SAWAH: And it’s so, so hard to throw a DIY party if you can’t find a venue. It’s so hard to even have a venue that isn’t going to be incredibly costly to run.

[07:54]

JAMES YEBOAH: We can say what we want about Toronto nightlife and, like, Toronto as a music city. Because it does suck. Because venues are closing left, right and centre and it’s trash. But when those spaces are cultivated in a proper and nice healthy way, communities are also cultivated in a nice and healthy way. Like Boosie Fade. Like, they’re digital and they’re physical at the same time so basically, they have these meetups and it’s non-judgemental as well too so I actually think they’re running a really great community in that aspect and it’s pretty brilliant because, you know, I get these opportunities like I’m talking to you right now which is great. You’re a lovely human being.

[08:31]

ZYMBUL FKARA: I did a show called Rainbow Radio back in London and there was only artists that I was playing and loving. You know, Adria Kane, Stago Daniels, Everything Loves Sean, Ally. And that helped me a lot because then I would just be like, when I saw them, “Hey! I used to play your music and Tweet at you when I was on air.”

And they’re like, “Oh, hey!” And it’s just a very natural conversation from there. Like, Just John, I got to meet him through Blank Canvas and Dead Poet and I didn’t know that he was going to have this blowup that he’s having right now, right? But it was just one of those people that you meet along the way.

[09:05]

TREVOR TWELLS: Doing my first exhibit… Just John. He started Blank Canvas and when I went to him saying, “Hey. I want to do an art show.” And I didn’t know who he was. I didn’t know who Blank Canvas was, or whatever, whatever. And they’re like, “Yeah! Totally. This is dope. Let’s do an art show.” I was like, “Wow. Everyone is so accepting.”

[09:23]

STEPHANIE SAWAH: People are really trying and I really like that resilient spirit of the folks here. Despite that incredible oppressiveness of the fact that venues are shutting down left, right and centre. We’re increasingly being creative with the solutions we put forth.

[09:39]

JAMES YEBOAH: To me, that’s how you build social capital, right? By actually coming in and not trying to just show face and take pictures on Instagram and stuff like that. Which is all cool but talking to the artist. Talking to the bartender at the gallery. Seeing what they’re up to. Seeing what they do. Stuff like that.

[09:55]

STEPHANIE SAWAH: Go out and dance. Go out and get turnt up. Go out and eat tons of different food. For me, that has been super fulfilling and important and I am definitely going to try and do that for other people because I think that is a kindness that has been extended to me and I want to extend that onto other people and community building starts with me so I’m going to do that.

[10:21]

JAMES YEBOAH: As cliche as this sounds, support your local artists. They will surprise you.

[10:32]

MELISSA HAUGHTON : Special shoutout to the people, events and collectives helping to keep the vibes alive in this city. Blank Canvas, Boosie Fade, Upper Echelon, Yes Yes Y’all, Manifesto, Black Miss Yes, New Ho Queen, Jerk, Gumbo, Black Gold, The Space Project and many others. You’ve been listening to Whose City Is It Anyways? Created by me, Melissa Haughton. This piece is a part of Fixt Point Arts and Medias Points of Empathy project made possible by Canada Service Corp. Also, special shoutout to all of the people who helped to make this piece possible.

Hi, my name is Trevor, Stephanie Sawah, Sheila McDougall, Jaslyn Marshall, James Yeboah, Keelia Stuart, Zymbul Fkara, Selina Mendez, Stephanie Hynes.

+ TRANSCRIPT

[00:02]

(multiple voices overlapping)

[00:27]

JACK LANGEDIJK : Every time we answer a question, we say, “Because.” But if you look at the word and you change it around, it’s “my cause to be is this.” So how do you find purpose?

[00:40]

AMANDA LECLERC: A place where you feel in your life where you’re meant to be. Of course I have insecurities about being a mother but I’m just so confident that it’s a part of myself I’m supposed to give and I feel okay giving it and it just feels right. Other than me being a mother, I got into social working so I just graduated as a social service worker and I would have to say that helping people and just being in places where I can actually offer my help would feel like that’s where I belong. I always feel great helping other people. Whether it’s giving them directions to somewhere or providing them with services where they can get help. Anything! Even just a shoulder to cry on or someone to give a hug or whatever. I just feel I belong in helping people.

[01:31]

SUNITA PERSAUD: I joined a youth counsel called MSYL which stands for Mid Scarborough Youth Leadership. It’s counsel that does community work. We organize events and programs for the community. For example, in April, we did a human library event which allowed people to come and listen to other people’s stories. In May, we did a Mother’s Day fine dining event and I think both went really well.

[02:00]

ARENNE KIRITHARAN: I would say one of the first moments I felt like I belonged somewhere was probably my second meeting with the Mid Scarborough Youth Leadership program. I was a new volunteer and I talk about this all the time. It’s how fast we were to react to something that happened in the community. It matched my level of passion that I shared for improving the lives of people around us and so that was one of the first moments I thought, “I think I made the right choice. I think this is going to be good for me.” So there was an accident that happened near an intersection and we heard about it on the news during our first meeting. Immediately there was a response created in order to just pay our respects and so I was pretty taken aback by how quickly and how efficiently we got together and created something meaningful so that the person who passed was recognized for his efforts in this community. That was one of the first times I thought, “I think I found the place where I can make the most change that will help Scarborough.”

[03:15]

ASWINE KRISH: Right now I’m a student. I’m studying accounting. I volunteer for a startup doing accounting stuff. I started working this semester at a police station. It’s pretty close by to Ryerson.

[03:44]

JACK LANGEDIJK: When we’re little children, everyone asks us, you know, “What do you want to become? What do you want to become?” And then you get a little older. Maybe you’ve been working in your career for a couple of years. No one asks you what you want to become anymore. Especially when you start becoming 40, 50, 60. She was 70. But we always are becoming.

[04:04]

ASWINE KRISH: I usually don’t do anything… Anything actively to change. Not showing my personality. But I want to try. I feel like in university, it’s like a completely new part of your life and a completely new chapter and literally no one knows you and I feel like I could have been my authentic self but again, I don’t know. A lot of my thoughts and my mind prevent me from doing that.

[04:38]

ARENNE KIRITHARAN: I’ve established that I’m secure in the person that I am. I am constantly yelling and screaming and embarrassing myself.

[04:46]

AMANDA LECLERC: I feel like I’m building a relationship with myself right now and I feel like myself is giving me that sense of belonging. If that makes any sense. I pay attention to myself. I think about the good qualities that I have as an individual. How can I contribute that to the world? And that’s pretty much it. For now, anyways.

[05:10]

JACK LANGEDIJK: If you could ask that question, “Who am I?” and you say you’re happy to be who you are? Well then, you belong on earth. You belong in your life. I’m proud of you because you’re on a journey that I think is the most important journey and the most important journey is feeling like you have purpose.

[05:55 ]

ANITA PERSAUD: Thank you for listening to My Brain. This piece is part of Fixt Point Arts and Media Points of Empathy project made possible by Canada Service Corp. I’d like to thank the following people for being a part of this project; Sunita Persaud, Amanda Leclerc, Edward Walker, Yandy Zuo, Arenne Kiritharan, Aswine Krish and Jack Langedijk Thank you so much for all your hard work and I appreciate it.

+ TRANSCRIPT

[00:01]

This podcast may not be suitable for all audiences. Viewer discretion is advised.

[00:11]

I mean, everyone has reputations. Everyone has things that they’re known for. Certain traits and characteristics and I think a lot of times, you outgrow those but if someone’s known you since you were in grade one and you’re still friends by the time you’re in grade 12, the things you consistently did for the past 10 years of your life they will remember as opposed to the past two years when you started trying to change yourself.

[00:44]

Honestly? I’d have to say I didn’t really feel like I was fully becoming into the artist that I was meant to be or that I was fully doing what I was supposed to be doing until around the time that I came out as transgender. Before that, there was a lot of rules for me and a lot of expectations. When I came out as trans, I was allowed to express myself so much more freely and who I am as a person and I also became a lot more creative and I did a lot more paintings and a lot more artwork that I found really resonated with me and how I felt.

[01:29]

I think I generally give less shits now. I’m a lot more open about other stuff as well that I am in life. You know? I was… When I started high school, I was super secretive. I didn’t really talk to a lot of people and it wasn’t until I was okay saying that I was gay that I fully was like, “Okay. Yeah. I can be kind of more open.”

[01:55]

I was treated like a completely different human being when I came out. You know? I wasn’t the same person that I was. Even though I still feel like I’ve kind of always been the same person and I’ve sort of more just evolved into who I’m meant to be, it’s like I was sort of almost reborn into a new identity. Into a new life in which I could live the way that I wanted to.

[02:23]

A lot of my growth came in the past year when I did get to move away. There’s a quote. I don’t remember who said it but it says, “You can’t heal in the same environment that you were hurt.” And I think a lot of that’s true and I don’t have a tragic childhood story. I was fine. I was happy. I think I went through a lot of the same things emotionally that most teenagers do but I can only ever talk about my experience, really, and I know that moving away and starting fresh really helped me.

[03:06]

I think a lot of people, when they imagine coming out of the closet, they imagine just saying, “You’re gay” one time and that’s it. You’re done. Everything changes when you come out of the closet so I just want to make sure that I’m ready for that because I see my parents and my sister every single day so coming out of the closet to them… I have to make sure that I’m mentally ready to deal with the kind of aftermath of having them look at you very differently. Because I’m… There’s no one else in my entire family who’s out of the closet. So I’m going to be that relative. I’m going to be… To all of my cousins, they’re going to see me as the gay relative.

[03:44]

Before I went away to Queens, I wasn’t in a great place emotionally. It wasn’t horrible or anything but I definitely have a very self-deprecating sense of humour and I think I put myself down a lot as a joke and I think I would do that because a lot of my friends were competitive or didn’t feel good about themselves but I think in the long run that kind of took a hit on me because I started believing the things that I was saying as a joke and coming back from Queens, I’ve just become more confident in myself. I’ve been more positive toward myself and I’ve accepted myself more and as a result, those jokes have kind of stopped. So… The people who used to use me as relief... I was relief for them when they were going through hard times. I’m still willing to talk to them and I’m still willing to be friends with them but I don’t provide the same sort of relief that I did and the same sort of comfort in making them feel better because I’m not willing to sacrifice myself for that anymore.

[04:50]

Sometimes I’ll still think, “Oh. You shouldn’t do this! This doesn’t look good.” Or, “That’s too out there.” Or, “Maybe that doesn’t make sense.” But it’s like, “No!” If I feel like something is right and natural and it’s what I want to do, it belongs out there and people should see it. You know what I mean? And I just want to live my life to the fullest that I can because that’s what I’m really meant to do.

[05:22]

I think when people think of the word “homophobia” they think of somebody who’s walking around protesting gay marriage. It’s the same thing with sexism and racism and all that. It’s so much deeper than that and, you know, like I said, I haven’t come out to my parents yet and I told one of my friends that I’m bi-sexual and she’s a really close family friend and I trusted her with that information and since then, she has kind of been pressuring me and bullying me to come out to them sooner. She said once that it would be easier on her if I just came out and told them. And I was… You know. It’s like, people… Especially people that are straight… And this girl, my family friend, is straight. And she was trying to explain to me how to tell my parents and telling me that it’s going to be easy but a lot of people don’t realize that there is so much that changes when you come out to somebody. Even my friend. She was like, “Nothing changed between us when you told me.” And I was like, “Well, you’ve brought it up in every conversation we’ve had in the last two months.” Like, that’s a change.

[06:36]

It got so bad for me that in high school, I ended up in a hospital and I couldn’t leave the house or go places without thinking awful, awful things about myself. I couldn’t live my life as a normal human being. It got so bad that I was just so depressed and didn’t really understand what… I didn’t understand why I belonged and what life meant for me and why I should even be here. And then with time, I allowed myself to breathe and I allowed myself… Even though I still struggle to this day, I allowed myself to think, “Why am I being so hard on myself all the time?” But it’s like, what’s the point in punishing yourself even further than it already needs to be? What’s the point in hurting even more? You know? It’s honestly kind of been a lifelong journey for me and I still struggle with it to this day. I’m not going to pretend I’m happy all the time. Yeah. It’s about allowing yourself to breathe more and giving yourself space to be okay and not be so mad at yourself for the little things that you can’t change.

[07:55]

My father’s two favourite words for me were “idiot” and “moron” and my mother told me I was never… I said, “Well, I’d like to go to university, I think. What can I be?” And she’d go, “Oh. No, no, no. You’re so small. The best thing you could be is a jockey.” (Laughs). I said, “How’s that for advice from a mother?” Anyway, I was always put down and it took me years, in fact, to figure it out. That that’s exactly what happened.

[08:23]

Some people always try to make it about themselves. They always find some way to either say something like, “My friends said it would be easier on me if you came out.” Or they’ll go into really gross graphic details about why they don’t identify the same way I do. Or they’ll said, “Yeah. You know, I had a woman tell me once that yeah, I can’t see myself fucking a female or fucking someone with a vagina.” And I was like, “I really don’t give a shit.” Like, I really… I didn’t ask. (Laughs). Yeah. People just make it about themselves and some people just, you know, don’t really notice how much everything changes when you tell them.

[09:11]

I went to the pride parade with my friend and I was walking around without a shirt on and I definitely wouldn’t have done that, you know, four or five years ago. Yeah. I think I just give less of a fuck now.

[09:28]

I’d say I’m going into my second year and I now have a house with four of my closest friends that I met there and I’m really excited because I think that it’s an opportunity not only for me to learn to live on my own a bit more but as well to move away from the city I grew up in. The people I grew up around and get to… I wouldn’t say start over but become who I really want to be but I feel like a lot of times you’re held back by what other people expect of you and just the normalcy of your life that you’ve always known.

[10:18]

I’m such a different person than I was even a year ago. I used to struggle so much all the time. And I do struggle but not nearly in the capacity that was debilitating me for almost all of my life. I had such anxiety that I couldn’t leave my bed. I couldn’t talk to people. I would shake and fall in front of people and presentations and I had no confidence in myself and I’ve come to realize with forgiving myself and coming out and allowing myself to be who I’m meant to be, I’ve become so much more confident in who I am and I’ve allowed myself to stand my ground and not be so apologetic for who I am, you know? And not, like… Because sometimes, you know, you can feel like you don’t belong and you’re not meant to be here. Especially if you’re trans or queer or whatever. Something like that. And people will tell you that you don’t belong but really at the end of the day, it’s about reminding yourself that you are just as worthy as anyone else. That’s what’s really trying to get me there. I’ve been lucky enough to have a good support system over the past couple of years. I’ve come so far. I’ve come so far and I believe that it could only get better for so many other people too, you know? If they just believe in themselves and believe that it can get easier.

[12:32]

You’ve been listening to Reputation created by me, Charlotte Desousa. This piece is a part of Fixt Point Arts and Media’s Point of Empathy project made possible by Canada Service Corps. I would also like to thank Alisa Stanley, Kevin McConnel, David Surplis, and Julie Robinson

+ TRANSCRIPT

[00:08]

So a friend from Ireland actually brought me to Bampot for the first time about a few months ago and as soon as I walked in it was the most chill, welcoming vibe that I think I’ve ever had from any kind of coffee or tea place.

[00:22]

When I found the Bampot, I had just come back from a big spirit quest, you know? Out in B.C, living in a tent on an island and meditating all day long. Very soon after I came back to Toronto, my friends were like, “Hey dude. You’ve gotta go to Bampot.” I said, “Okay. What’s that?” I went to Bampot. Walked in the door and was like, “Ah. My people. Are you hiring?”

[00:41]

So I started there in April of 2015. They were only a year old at that point. At first, when you’re walking up to the place, it’s this little house on Harbord street. It’s over 100 years old. It sets itself apart by being the most colourful object on the street. Everywhere else on the street is at least three stories and this place is essentially a bungalow. The steps leading up to it are made out of brick and the whole house is made out of brick. Very deep, burnished colours that make you feel almost at home. When you walk in, tiny on the outside but large on the inside somehow, space.

[01:18]

I walked in and there were curtains hanging. It smelled like incense and I was being asked to take my shoes off.

[01:23]

Directly to your right, there is a shoe rack and you’re in socks the rest of the time because you’re in somebody's living room. This is not a normal restaurant. You are welcomed into somebody’s home and that is what it feels like.

[1:36]

And then you walk through the curtain and there’s just cushions.

[01:39]

It’s like stepping into a Turkish hookah den.

[01:43]

There’s, like, artwork and beautiful music and they’re serving this tea and this homemade food. It’s this sensuous experience.

[01:49]

It has a very unique smell to it. Just all the different tea leaves, all the different herbs and spices. It just has a very unique aroma to the place.

[01:57]

It’s also very bohemian in the sense that there’s all these cool pictures of old people on the wall and it looks like it just got cobbled together from a bunch of different garage sales or, like, estate sales from old people. Everything is mismatched. Nothing seems to really have a very specific theme to it but everything seems to fit because of that.

[02:18]

There’s a wooden frame hung on an air conditioner on the one wall because they can’t take the air conditioner out due to the fact that it would just be a big hole in the wall if they did that. But it also doesn’t really work so… (Laughs). They just hung a frame on it so it became a piece. It became part of the art of Bampot. (Laughs).

[02:36]

One of the first nights I was working there, I had left Bampot to go pick up wine. We put some wine in a teapot and we went and sat out front because, you know, why not? And we’re sitting at this table and a couple people come in, obviously just fresh from a concert of some kind because one person was carrying a violin and they were all dressed up in suits and stuff, and they sat in one of the booths near the front. There’s these booths where you can take off your shoes and sit on these carpets and pillows and lounge. And these old folks were sitting around a round table in front of this booth and they started bugging them to play music. They were like, “Okay. Fine. We’ll play a song.” So the one guy gets out a saxophone and this girl sits next to him and he plays saxophone while she sings. And Mark, he’s the owner, explains to me his vision. To this background music. Where he always wanted to own a sort of smokey tavern bar where there was like, a jazz club. That’s exactly how he put it. It was like from Blues Brothers, almost. That was his identifying marker for what he wanted to move towards. And at the time, we had hookah so there was smoke in the air and there was some jazzy music being played and we were drinking and listening to this and, you know, it was all very elicit and interesting and I was 23 and just totally enraptured by this vision and this idea that we could create a place where music and wine and just fun and interesting times could flow freely and creative expression could be everywhere because there was art all over the walls and we could change that. And we could change every aspect of the place if we really wanted to. We could just put ourselves into it.

[04:11]

I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I had an idea. I had a feeling and I thought, “I don’t want to live in a city that doesn’t have a place like this.” And without that being there already established I thought, “Well, why not try and do it myself?”

[04:27]

If people were to say, “You’re an artist,” they say, “What’s your medium?” Bampots my medium. Well, Mark and I say Bampot is like we’re selling our lifestyle in some way. You know? So everything is decorated to our own aesthetic or liking and we serve everything authentically and it’s handmade and nothing’s aritificially sold to you. It’s genuine. You want a good pot of tea? We have that. You want good food? We can give you that.

[04:53]

Because we don’t hassle people. We don’t continually ask people to keep buying things, buying things. “Oh, you’re not buying anything? Go away.” It’s not like that. It’s a place for people to come and just be.

[05:03]

You come here and you can be who you really are with people. It’s so refreshing. Rather than going to, like, on a date to a restaurant and you have to put on an emotional tie. But here, you come in and you can just be frank and you can just see what’s really happening. You can touch the ground of your own emotional life. There’s all sorts of different people talking about all sorts of different things and almost unanimously it’s from this incredible place of heart centredness. Even if they’re just sitting and playing board games. They’re often also discussing the nature of reality or what it means to grow as a human or how to open your heart to your lover.

[05:35]

So in that way, it also felt very real and home like to me because being in this industry where I have to smile all the time and have to present as a very specific thing constantly. This place is not making me do that. Ever. But people will come to me and ask me, “Hey! So I have a stomach ache.” And I would go, “Oh. Okay! Well, I can make a tea for that.” (Laughs). And I started doing that a lot and just going through all these lists of things they… Ailments they might have. I would go through how they were feeling and how they would want to feel after. It’s interesting. They encourage you to take ownership of this place when you’re there. Even as a guest. It is a living room in a sense also that it lives and breathes on its own accord and so, as the time goes on, it is a dynamic space that changes and grows and takes what it can from the people that enter that space and incorporates it into part of a hole.

[06:30]

You have this feeling that you’re in the right place at the right time and you found something here and this is magic that happens. People often leave here just getting a thing that they need.

[06:40]

I personally introduced… I think it’s like five couples now that have ended up getting married. Clayton, who used to work here, it was me that introduced him to Hardel. Hardel was a customer and Clayton worked here and I think it was one night they were going to go for a little walk and I was like, “Ah. Clayton. You need to take a bottle of wine with you if you’re going to go for a walk at midnight.” You know? And I guess the rest is history. I’m not going to claim… I didn’t interfere in any way but I definitely was there to introduce them and they’ll tell that story to… It’s wonderful. You get to hear all the stories from all the people who come through the place.

[07:16]

Toronto would not be Toronto for me without Bampot. For sure. Because even now, I still meet up with all these people that I met through Bampot. I went through yoga teacher training because of somebody I met through Bampot. I have multiple board game groups because of people I met through Bampot. I just know about so many different things in the city because of Bampot. It created culture for me. As much as I try to create culture inside of it. So Toronto became more of a home because Bampot existed.

[07:44]

I feel that it was a very important part of my own evolution. I feel like I’m more open as a person. I’m more open to other people but I’m more open to myself and more open to expressing what I’m actually feeling and just full of love and being with whatever experience, whatever people are there. You know?

[08:00]

I’ve always been a social person but I was very awkward about it. Now I’m very much less so. (Laughs). Because of that place.

[08:12]

How would you say the city would be different if it no longer had Bampot?

I mean, this is a little secret gem. I don’t know if many people know about this place. I think that many, many beautiful wanderers would have nowhere to go. You know? They would have no place to congregate and celebrate life and the cosmos and enjoy tea and play board games. How would the whole city change? I think kind of like a bass player in a band. Do you know? Like, you often don’t know they’re there but you definitely know when they’re not there. It’s a sanctuary to go to respite from our often overly busy lives and our overly scheduled restrictiveness in general and I think that the city would become maybe a little bit more uptight if the Bampot wasn’t here.

[08:47]

Yeah. It’s truly a beautiful space. It was built by two incredible people and maintained by a myriad of hippies.

[08:59]

You’ve been listening to Bampot: The Public Living Room, the public art piece. Created by me, Alina Kouvchinova. This piece is a part of Fixt Point Arts and Media’s Points of Empathy project made possible by Canada Service Corps. A big thank you to all who made this podcast possible. Alex Moore, Mark Newell, Bianca, Hannah Elizabeth Kalmar, Jaimie McClyment and the Fixt Point production team.

+ TRANSCRIPT

[00:02]

REBECCA NELSON: I guess in, like, a very literal sense, we are the future because we are the ones who are going to exist for longer.

[00:12]

GRACE KING: I think I first really understood or learned about what climate change is… Or the term… When I went on an exhibition to the Arctic when I was younger and I was in Nunavut and I was in these communities that were truly some of the first to face the effects of climate change and I was taught a definition of climate change which had to do with temperature rise over time and watching glaciers melt.

[00:46]

JESSICA NACHMAN: So I was brought up in the TDSB and there’s always this consciousness of, “We need to take care of the environment.” But never framed in the sense that “This is urgent and our planet is dying,” kind of thing. I think that recent reports backed by science and also actual tangible events like floods and extreme weather crisis have made it seem more real. I think before that, climate change was just talked about and felt like an issue for the future.

[01:39]

GRACE KING: I think I first started questioning my future plans when I was learning about climate change for the first time just because there are new timelines to work with.

[01:51]

ANNA OSTERBERG: What brought that sense of anxiety and agitation… I mean, that’s something that I’ve felt I think since I became politically aware which I actually was quite young and I credit my dad for that.

[02:07]

JULIA DASILVA: I think, for our generation, I think climate change is a big part of this. There’s almost this dark comedic nihilism around it of not assuming that we have a future that is like the present in the same way.

[02:18]

DUBINIA NIEFORTH: I’m a new aunt and I feel emotional even thinking about it because I didn’t think about how her being born would affect my sense of urgency to try and make a difference until I push myself as far as I can to understand what I can do. Push myself out of my comfort zone to advocate for what’s going on and advocate, you know, focus to understand the federal election. All of the things that I’m doing that we can get into but it was my niece being born. A few weeks ago, she was turning one and I had to take a day off work because I just felt so sad for her. Yeah. Like, it’s sad to think that in 10 years, she’s just… It’s… Yeah. You’re not… I don’t know. You start thinking about other people that you love and that have… They haven’t done anything to deserve what is happening.

[03:24]

JESSICA NACHMAN: I think the difference between the younger generation that I’ve spoken to and adult is of course an urgency and where it is more personal. Because, I mean, there’s this constant comment of, “You did this to us.” The older generation did this to us and now it’s our problem that we have to fix and it… Whoever’s responsibility it is, it doesn’t matter at this point but it is true that it is our problem now if we want to continue living on this planet.

[04:11]

ANNA OSTERBERG: I think that the philosophical (indiscernible) of previous generations has been very individualistic and not future generation focused and that is probably 95 percent of why we are in the current situation that we’re in.

[04:29]

JULIA DASILVA: I got on a bus to go to Ottawa in first year and I kind of just called my mom a couple of days before and was like, “So I’m going to go to Ottawa and it’s like a civil disobedience thing. I just thought you should know.” (Laughs). And after that, when I called saying that, you know, I’d been arrested but it was fine. We just got trespassing notices and no criminal records. We had this whole very, very emotional conversation. What I said and still hold is that it’s a question of whether we have a livable future or not. And my mom would say things like, “When you take these very risky actions or actions that could have gone bad, you’re risking your future by putting your body on the line in that way.” And my response is always like, “A future in which I’m not doing this work is just not one worth living in.”

[05:31]

GONZALO RIVA: I kind of had a bit of an awakening two summers ago. I was at a wedding and I was seated at a table with a guy who was just awful. He worked in organized politics. In party politics. I won’t name which party but just… The conversation really hammered home for me how depressing it is that people inside of party politics are just responding to the worst kinds of incentives and don’t necessarily want to have a really bold vision. It suddenly occurred to me that social movement politics might be the actual answer for trying to move the needle.

[06:16]

JULIA DASILVA: Before starting to do this work, I never felt that sense of ongoing support from anyone other than my immediate family.

[06:30]

GRACE KING: When I think about my future now, I think in part due to getting to know this community and getting to organize here in Toronto, I think not only am I just trying to shift my timeline so that I can fight to win this thing, what I’m starting to realize is that maybe I really like to hear about people’s stories and get to know them on the ground.

[06:57]

ANNA OSTERBERG: In terms of thinking about my own future, I think that my personal future will be continuing to do this work and potentially leaving behind some certain things that I had wanted in the future. And that’s sad. It’s sad to talk about and it can bring a lot of anxiety to think about the things that we have to give up but at the same time, through this work… And it’s only been a few months… But I feel like I’ve gained so much. The friends that I’ve made here are amazing. They’re such amazing people. The sort of community that activism and organizing brings is so much stronger than anything I’ve ever experienced. I leave meetings and I leave all these actions and I feel so joyful and hopeful and optimistic. So in certain ways, I feel like I’m actually not giving up things so much as I’m moving into a new space that I didn’t necessarily think I would be moving into but is actually maybe more positive and maybe more where I belong? (Laughs). If that doesn’t sound so corny.

[08:30]

DUBINIA NIEFORTH: I just think that there’s a momentum. I feel it. I feel this, like, collective energy in youth. It’s just so beautiful and my hope for the future, to answer your question, is that that never stops. I don’t think it can at this point. We’re building this amazing mass movement that I think I’m confident will reshape the way that we do things and I just hope that doesn’t stop. That the urgency never stops.

[09:33]

BELLA LYNE: You’ve been listening to Our Generation. Created by me, Bella Lyne. This piece is part of Fixt Point’s Arts and Media, Points of Empathy project made possible by Canada Service Corp. A big thank you to Rebecca Nelson, Grace King, Jessica Nachman, Anna Osterberg, Julia Dasilva, Dubinia Nieforth, and Gonzalo riva for sharing their voices, stories and insights. The music you heard at the beginning is Recalling by Blair Moon. A special thanks to Climate Justice Toronto and Sing for Joy for allowing me to record the rally sounds and singing you heard throughout